Polyamory in a pandemic: who do you quarantine with when you’re not monogamous?

Earlier this month, after being exposed to the coronavirus, Chaele Davis had to decide if she would spend her quarantine with her primary partner, whom she has been dating for a year, or her secondary partner, with whom she just celebrated a four year anniversary.

Davis, a polyamorous woman living in Brooklyn, had arranged her life not having to make choices like these. “But when you love two people, in a time like this, you just have to make the call,” she said.

The coronavirus has spread around the globe, infecting more than 750,000 and putting countless cities on lockdown. New social distancing guidelines have led many Americans to question whether it’s safe to touch the same basket at the supermarket as other shoppers, let alone whom it is safe to sleep with. For those who are polyamorous, meaning having intimate relationships with more than one partner, it has meant renegotiating fundamental aspects of their dating lives.

On 27 March, the New York City department of health and mental hygiene issued guidelines surrounding safe sex, advising New Yorkers not to have sex with anyone outside of their immediate households and to take a break from in-person dates. Coronavirus is highly contagious and spread by droplets of saliva or mucus, making contact with others risky.

For people who consider themselves part of the poly community, that has meant making difficult decisions surrounding sexual monogamy and cohabitation, said Daniel Saynt, founder and head of New York City sex club New Society for Wellness (NSFW).

“It’s a terrifying time for non-monogamy,” Saynt said. “There has been a stronger consideration recently for coupling off. It’s kind of like cuffing season, but for corona season.”

Although just 5% of people in the US identify as polyamorous, up to 20% have attempted some form of consensual non-monogamy in their lifetimes, a 2017 study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy found.

Cat, a polyamorous woman living in New York City who asked her last name be withheld to protect her privacy, has spent the last 14 days in self-imposed quarantine with her roommate, who had been exposed to the virus. After she leaves the quarantine, she’ll have to decide which of her two partners to see – and if it is ethical to do so. Ultimately, she said, she is leaning towards quarantining alone to avoid hurting either partner.

“Coronavirus is making everyone polyamorous, in a sense,” she said. “We all have to navigate disclosure, safety, and health in similar ways.”

Being holed up at home with one partner does not necessarily mean strict monogamy, said Saynt the NSFW founder. A lot of non-monogamous couples are still seeking to interact in a virtual way, and a rise in online events is making it more accessible.

“In a way, this is also creating a new safety net for people who were curious about non-monogamy but were afraid of that initial intimacy point,” Saynt said.

NSFW has started to coordinate online parties for couples to engage in non-monogamy from a safe distance. Its first online “playdate” attracted nearly 100 people who met one another through group video chats and could pair off for private sessions. Like NSFW’s in-person parties, the event had a dress code and a set of rules stressing consent and privacy. The group used the video streaming app GetVokl for the event.

New York City artist Olivia Jane has been dating their partner for seven years, and during the last two they have introduced other people into their coupling. After learning about social distancing orders, Jane and their partner cut ties with a woman they were both dating when she fled the New York City area to quarantine in a remote cabin.

Meanwhile, Jane said they have all but stopped using dating apps like Tinder and Feeld for the foreseeable future. “We are maintaining chats and sending nudes to people we were previously intimate with, but our schedule has really cleared up,” Jane said.

Their relationship with another couple who lives in Philadelphia has gone purely digital for now, but Jane said they are considering moving in together to create a quad relationship as they potentially face eviction during the pandemic.

“We are comfortable being monogamous, but we prefer not to be,” Jane said. “We are being forced back into it. But out of all the people I have to be stuck with, my primary partner is the one I would want to quarantine with forever.”